Crouching Reader, Hidden Head-Desk

Crouching Vampire, Hidden Fang by Katie MacAlister

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


I was ensnared into reading this by the amusing title. The plot is about as complicated as the film whose title it parodies, except there are fewer entanglements.  There are some attempts to be amusing, but mostly this is your alleged standard women's wish fulfillment romance with a plump, needy heroine who just happens to be able to summon deadly amounts of light.
These supermythophagilisticexpialidocious stories are starting to get on my nerves.  You have to absorb too much cant to follow the plot.  What the hell's a zorya?  A llargi?  A lich?  I don't even know how to pronounce this stuff, much less keep track of the spelling.  Half the time I suspect they make this stuff up.  Oh, wait, of course they do.  Sorry. 

Pia (uffda, that name!) continues her saga of being torn between her "job" as some kind of light spirit helping some mysterious Brotherhood and her new supernatural linking to the vampire-cum-Fabio-impersonator, Kristoff - the Italian guy with the German name (I've been to Northern Italy - I know it happens).  In a previous book they "hooked up" as the kids say and now he doesn't call.  Is she too fat?  Was it something she said?  She got his soul back (some way - I dunno - it was in the previous book) and now he's supposed to be permanently linked to her.  What's wrong?  She spends the whole book not believing his answers even after they become linked telepathically.  Oh, man!  I mean, oh, WOMAN!  You've got cool supernormal powers!  Either he puts out and adores you or you roast him, right?  Half of this book is spent with him being diminutive-for-a-housecat-whipped into admissions of adulation.  [I'd never do that, right, Bob?  BOB?!]

And then the plot comes to a complete halt for the over-the-top sex.  I have to admit I skipped over those bits because after reading the first ones I decided that they are less arousing than head-desking.  Once you've superlatived someone to the point of explosion, what is left to life?  More plot, please.  Let me amend that: more comprehensible plot, please.
But it was okay.  As mindless, harmless (I hope - this doesn't cause dissatisfaction with life because it sets up unattainable scenarios ... does it?) entertainment, it does the job. 



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Stop the Handwringing Already! Wherein I Show That I Am Smarter Than Jane Austen

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

My review

rating: 2 of 5 stars
This was a Kindle read.
It was only the zombies that got me to pick this up (that is, the absence of them in this version). I wanted to see what the original material was. At first it was interesting to read and compare, but I think I lost interest as Elizabeth's respect for Mr. Darcy grew. By the end I was almost vomiting. Actual violence was a nice counterpoint to the barbed speech, sorta augmenting the idea of the the sentiment behind the speech. Elizabeth's rejection of Mr. Darcy's offer of marriage is the equivalent of throwing him against the fireplace. It made it easier for me to see the parallel in the original novel. Once Elizabeth realizes that Mr. Darcy is "worthy" of her affections and that she's really blown it and goes all icky about it, I lost interest. You've screwed that up? Move on, babe. Stop the hand-wringing already. Or at least don't make me read about it.

It all wraps up too tidily in the end as well. Her slutty sister did not merely make a mistake out of love, but she's a real piece of work who will never learn her lesson and will feel entitled to mooch off her relations forever. Someone needs to experience some Tough Love. Not the "put her out in the snow to fend on her own" sort, but the "show me you can manage the money you've got before I throw any more down the drain" kind.




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And I Don't Even LIKE Zombies!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance - Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem! by Jane Austen

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
This has improved Jane Austen beyond all knowing! Just before you get bogged down in the manners, zombies attack or they debate the relative qualities of Shaolin Chinese vs. Japanese martial arts. Of course, every now and then it steps over the line into being silly (taking the bite out of the heart of an enemy, for example - I mean, you're fighting zombies! You shouldn't be stooping to their level!).

I think one of the best things about the book are the discussion questions. Bwah-hahahahaaaa!

This was read on the Kindle2 - the last few chapters read by the computer generated voice that pronounced "Lady" as "laddie," "lame" as "lamé," and mangled other words beyond recognition.


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